This pain that I still feel, this one's on me. I can't blame you anymore. Not for the parts of me you stole, or the parts of me that I willingly gave away. I can't blame you anymore for wondering why I'm not good enough or why I never was. I can't blame you for toying with my heart and all of the emotions that came with it, because even if you cared, it would no longer be your issue.
I guess it's funny, because even when it should've been your issue, it never really was. We spoke so often of how we rushed into things and maybe it was the wrong time... but it never would've been the right time, would it? We we're kids who didn't see the mistakes of our actions or how they would affect us in the long run, but isn't that what happens when you're living in the present?
I wanted so much for you to be my happily ever after, but I don't think it was ever that way for you, and I'm still learning every day to accept that and move past it, but gosh, if it isn't one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I saw forever in your eyes, but all you saw was the pain and trauma in mine.
In the beginning it was nice, I thought I was in the healthiest relationship I'd ever been in. But I guess that's where the saying comes in, how time tells all? Well, I wish I didn't have to rely on time to tell me how much of mine I was wasting.
Every day that I thought I knew who you were, now I realize that I couldn't have been more wrong. I don't think I ever actually knew who you were, and I think I'm okay with that. Because from what I understand from who you are, you're nothing but someone who breaks down other people in order to get what you can from them. And that's truly no way to live life at all.
And so I pity you. And I'm sorry for holding this grudge against you for so long. Because it's not you, who I should be angry with. It's myself. It's me because I knew who you were from the beginning and chose to look the other way. I told myself I should leave and get out while the wounds were still small and would barely leave a mark but I didn't because I loved you and I figured you would change.
What a silly dream for a silly romantic. Some people show their true nature and intentions early on, and it's so easy to become blind to them when you've built them up in your mind. And I'm angry with myself for thinking you were something that you're not.
But I also want to thank you. Because in all that time together, you showed me who I really am, what I was willing to settle for and what I will never settle for again. You showed me light and love and pain and tears and I will never let someone hurt me the way that you did again. I will never spend countless nights crying over someone and wondering why they can't treat me better or try to understand why I'm in tears. I will never let someone make me feel like I am less than deserving or less than what I am because, you know something?
I am amazing. I am righteous. I am kind and soft and SO deserving.
I'm better than I was before you, and I will continue to be better after you.
So, thank you for the lessons you taught, and the pain that I carry. With it, I will be better than I ever have and better than you could have ever imagined me to become.
I am glowing up and moving forward, and there is no place for you in my thoughts or in my future. And I thank you for being the fucked up part of my life that has gotten me here today.
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